From Fat Ass to Bad Ass.

**Warning extreme language,caps lock and LOTS OF AWESOMENESS EPIC BADASSERY** HOLYOMFGSONOFHADES!!! Ladies. Gentlemen. Others. I DID IT!!!  After a crazy weekend I jumped on the scale yesterday and..I have hit my GOAL Weight!!! I weigh the same as I did when I was 21. Now, I took this picture because I wanted to show the difference in what my body looks like it is totally not my 21 year old body anymore. I took it because this is the reality of extreme weight gain and loss over years and years. And what abusing your body, and of course children (another form of abuse 😂) looks like! I don’t give two shits who sees this picture and scoffs. Or gives me a hard time. I don’t care who thinks I shouldn’t post it. (yep I’m looking at you) It’s taken 2 years 2 months and 3 weeks. But I am 109 pounds lighter!! Thank you to my family for supporting me fat and thin. My friends for understanding that my crazy fitness goals will infiltrate my life forever.

It has been a horrible, hard, amazing, enlightening, mind blowing experience. But it is mine. And I FUCKING DID IT!!!

99 Problems but that scale ain’t one.

It’s weight loss Wednesday! And I am still at the exact same number on the scale I have been for about a month now. But I am not trippin’ about it. I still have 5 pounds to go in order to reach my goal, and you know what it will happen. That is not even a doubt in my mind. So now I will give you some reasons/excuses as to why it has not happened yet.

1. I have had not one, but 2 deaths in my life in as many months.
2. My mom was hospitalized, AGAIN!
3. My Autistic son made the High School Baseball Team
4. Rapid cycling bipolar and sometimes that means, my brain says no, when I say go.
5. I went back to work, that means not going to bed till 3 am, so no more 5 am work out
6. Steak. Shrimp. Cajun French Fries.
7. HELL NO H20??? Where did my water intake go? Oh right, what water!

The reason I am posting this is because we all have shit happen to us that sets us off course. But the last time something like this happened to me it was mom getting cancer,  I gained 27 pounds. I sat around in my room and ate chocolates and cried in my Mountain Dew. Luckily, I am not there. I still have no desire for that shit show to start again. I have made positive strides, and I am never going backwards again. Time for me to pick up where I left off and smash that damn scale. 

 

It’s not a Diet, IT’S A FUCKING LIFESTYLE

The picture on the left is a little hard to look at. In one hand I was holding a putter, but in the other a four pronged walking cane. You know the ones you see decrepit 80 year old’s using? But I was only 33. I was having 10 Grand Mal Seizures a day. I was gaining weight progressively. And my mental state was crashing fast. How had this happened to me? A headache, that led to a brain tumor, that led to scar tissue. That led to a lifestyle change. A NEGATIVE ONE! 😒
Fast Forward to today. I am able to walk, jog (slower than a 3 legged turtle but I do it), my moods are more regulated. BUT THE BEST NEWS? Knock on wood, but I have not had a seizure in 4 months!! I eat right mostly, I exercise 7 days a week and I do not rely on pills to wake, to sleep, to feel. Now, that is a lifestyle change. 😀

Sometimes, Confidence sucks dick

So my confidence sucks today. I didn’t want to do the fitgirl photochallenge because I don’t feel fierce at all. I took 500 pics, none of them any better than the last. Then I said screw it, go look in the mirror and check yourself out, go list all the things you hate about yourself and get it over with. I have done this with the kids before giving them 5 minutes of freaking out and then told them to get over it so I figured I better do it with myself. I started with all my sagging skin. And I started crying because I truly hate all of it. I hate my thighs. I hate my bingo wings. I hate Dolores my gigantic pooch of Fat flap that hangs beneath my belly button. I cried and then I cried for a few minutes longer. But then just for the hell of it i I flexed my right arm and I shut up because there amid the bingo wings, and the stretch marks and the tattoos was a bicep. A bicep that I could actually see. One that I had worked for, sweated for and earned. So today, I may not be feeling my fierness, but I am feeling my baby biceps.

A Podcast About Me?!?!

I have never really thought of myself as inspiring or motivational to anyone. I wake up and stumble to the coffee pot just like every other American on Monday mornings.

That being said, I had the opportunity to do my first podcast recently about my weightloss. It was nerve racking, but awesome. To be able to explain how hard this was for me, why I’ve done it, and how rewarding it is to be down a 100 pounds is a dream come true.

If you want to hear me talking about the journey and many other weight loss adventures check put Fromfat2that’s Blog!

http://fromfat2that.com/2016/02/fitgirl-shawna/

St.Valentine DIED for this??

So today is Valentine’s day right? The day that we buy overpriced flowers, candy, dinners and jewelry to show our affections to those we love, like, and lust over. Well no thanks. St. Valentine believed in love so much that he was beheaded for it. Marrying couples against the orders of an asshole dictator just because it was in his heart that live was real.

Well, here I sit with my heart shaped box of chocolates and don’t feel anymore lived than I did before I got it. If you truly live someone, show them everyday. Not just one day a year. Show them in little ways, it’s not all about grandiose gestures. But small subtleties. A hand hold in a crowded place, dishes being done, a nice unsolicited dinner made just because, a smile.

That all means more to the person you love than flowers that’ll die, candy that’ll go to their ass, and jewelry that ends up in a box somewhere. That will all mean more to the memory of dearly departed St.Valentine than showing your love once a year. 

Things I love for $1000 Alex

So I have had several people ask where I get my leggings, my diet(which is a dirty word to me)  which yoga I do and what the deal is with the cupcakes. Find those answers here!

First the easiest answer. The Cupcake thing came way back from when I did RPG. Now, if you are one of my family members, or real world friends chances are you have no idea what that is. I do online Role Play Games. It is where the idea of my books came from. Anyways, in 2008 someone called me a Killer Cupcake. Because I could be sweet, but I was also lethal when crossed. It stuck. Plus have you ever been sad while eating a cupcake? Ummm NOOO! NO! No you have not!

Next, the Leggings. I honestly pick them up everywhere. But some of my favorite places are on Amazon. I am obsessed with Amazon. If you can get an Amazon Prime account, you must do it simply for the benefits of shipping! My Motivated, Ganesha and Snow White leggings came from Amazon. While my rose and tropical leggings were $3 steals from a little place called Rue 21. The same goes for my Tank Tops. Most of them I find on Amazon. But some of my favorites I have gotten thanks to an amazing site called FlexitPink.com which is designed to help motivate women. It is also where I sign up for my Virtual 5Ks.

And last but certainly not least. My Yoga obsession. That actually came from way back in rehab. They taught me meditation and yoga in 1999. But I never used it. Then I started to gradually get the hang of it over the years. I would drop it and pick it back up. When I converted to Buddhism I got more involved in my meditation, and found Yoga to be a natural fit. Though again, let it slide. So when I decided to really commit I picked the first Yoga video I saw on Youtube. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. I do Yoga By Candace. She has apps for your phone, Youtube videos etc. And you can start with easy things like just learning to breathe and beginning Yoga, to Flow (which is what I do) and Power Yinyasa Yoga.

BONUS ROUND: Everyone asks me like daily, what diet I follow. Well, to lose the first 80 pounds I did it on no more than 1400 calories a day. And to lose this last 30 I am not on a diet.  I follow the Fit Girls Guide lifestyle, though I still keep my caloric intake under 1400. Which means I drink approximately a gallon of water a day. I do not eat added sugar or sugar supplements. I stay away from ALL soda. Diet soda is still soda. And that’s it. Not that hard. If you want more info on that, fitgirls.com is where to go, but I am always bragging about it on my Instagram so it’s no secret! 

Yoga and the Geriatric Cat

Harley is like 16 years old. He hates life. He has been around for the raising of 4 generations of children. And did I mention he hates life. He is my parents cat, but since my mom got ill, and he is a bit needy there were two options 1. Take him to the “farm” or 2. I would take him in. Well obviously I took him. Most of the time I do not even remember I have a cat. He is that chill. He just comes out of the laundry room to be fed honestly.

This morning I was doing my yoga and here comes this used to be orange cat, weaving in and out of my extended limbs, putting his tail in my face, and rubbing his body all over me and I just had to get a picture. He flopped down shortly after this and demanded a little belly rub action. Of which I had to oblige. These are the Sunday mornings I live for. Lazy, leisurely and filled with the sort of quiet stillness that I need to rehydrate my mind and prepare me for the week. 

Then, this happened.

So I went to a tattoo party and went to just get my son’s name on my shoulder. Which I did get. But then impulse and the universe stepped in as this phrase kept playing in my mind. “Alis Volat Propriis” 3 weeks ago I had posted it on my Instagram as a reminder that this was my journey and it may not be perfect but it was mine. I even wrote it on my arm to keep me motivated that day. Then the next day my Grams had the stroke that would take her life. The thing about that is, this phrase in translation means “She flies with her own wings.” And that was that, but where would I put it? On my arm? Nah, why go there. Seeing it everyday would be nice, but it would be a daily painful reminder of what it meant to me. No, I did not need to see it, just know it was there. So I went someplace nobody would ever see, my ribs. A place I had always wanted to tattoo if I ever got thin enough.  So I laid down, closed my eyes and waited for the soothing sound that takes me to another level of calm. Tattooing for me is a religious experience. It is a connection to my body, to my mind, to the feelings, the meaning of what I am doing. And this one, was no different. When it was finished I cried, not only because I could finally move my arm. But because I felt healed. The weight of losing my Grams was less, because I had not lost her at all. She was right there soaring with her own wings.

Mom Motivates Me everyday.

My biggest Motivation Monday and one I do not mention, is my mom. When I look at this picture it destroys me. Knowing that my mom will need this done to her several times a week, for life is a scary thing. My mom is the strong one. She is the one who has literally kicked ass for every single one of us. She was the “kool-aid” mom, the cool mom, hell she still is. Though reality that no one can seem to face is she is also the terminally ill mom. And those she has fought hardest for, the dozens of kids she helped raised have all but abandoned her now. I am the rational family member, I am the positive one. I keep my head up, I don’t cry, I do what is necessary for everyone. Yet, I am fully aware of the reality. So when I decided to get healthy, I did it for me of course. But I also did it for her. Because if someone could have helped her back then, maybe she would not be as bad as she is now. Maybe if someone could have seen her struggling all those years ago, drastic measures would not have been necessary. Drastic measures that have left her with chronic, and life changing health problems. So I get up every single day and I meditate away the negative thoughts. I refuse to think about any sort of future where she is not there. And then I kick ass. Because that is what my mom would do, if she was able to.